I am currently balls deep into my second run of Resident Evil 4 and I'm messing around with the Mine Thrower. "But toodlekittens," you might say "isn't the Mine Thrower the worst weapon in the game next to Handgun?" Yeah well nuts to you my dear reader I straight up don't give a crap. I'm using the Mine Thrower like it's going out of style, I upgraded sumbitch up to it's exclusive and even stuck the sight on it because it wasn't over- powered. That's right I can zoom in on the corner I'm going to shoot them little explosive darts at but it doesn't even matter because this weapons exclusive makes it so it hones in on whatever queer ganado is around. Yep, my freaking Mine Thrower is all like that Yao Ming rage face. But this post isn't really about how balls-to-the-wall awesome the Mine Thrower is, this post is about how Resident Evil 4 kicked my ass on my first play through. Resident Evil 4 was just not having any of my bitch ass shenanigans.
So I downloaded my game and got started on that like my life depended on it. Since it was my first play in a long time I decided to watch all the cut scenes because it reminded me of a much simpler time in my youth. I didn't run into any major hurdles until I got to the villages and had to run around like a pansy from Dr. Salvador (yes the chainsaw guys have names, and they are all the same doctor which doesn't make any sense since at various points you have to fight multiple of him which totally boggles the mind) and I got cornered and died, yes, you heard that right I freaking died before the goddamn prologue was over. So I said screw it and continued when that Capt. Obvious screen comes up telling you what happened to you. After a rough beginning I got to Del Lago yeah that asshole was going to pick up where his friend the Doctor left off and proceeded to knock me of that boat and kill 4 times, yep that giant salamander wrecked my shit, then I realized that it wasn't Del Lago who was killing me but actually my own pride and joy; my red controller. If you didn't know this the Sixaxis and yes even those Mantine shaped Xbox beasts (haha Pokemon reference) are a lot more sensitive then those Gamecube relics. Since I was used to over compensating on the Cube when you were in the butt (Finding Nemo), it really didn't translate to the current gaming facilitators. Armed with this knowledge, I rode on head held up high and full of youthful arrogance.
Then I rescued Ashley. Things where going fine until the two paths you get to choose from, you get either the Bella Sisters (there's actually 4 sisters in all) or you get to fight another Gigante. I chose the Gigante path because I thought what the hell it's only one. And you know I would have left that path without much incident if it wasn't for that little whore-slut Ashley (that's right whore-slut). If you are not readily familiar there is a boulder that you can shoot down and hit that Gigante, there's no way you could miss it since Ashley points it out, so I lined up my shot took out the boulder and flattened Ashley. Why would I do such and awful thing you might ask, well let me tell you why that sad excuse of an AI stood under the boulder while I was shooting it down, she did this 5 times (if you are keeping score at home this puts my death total 10). Finally after deciding to just gun down that damn Gigante with my Red9, we were able to move.
After janking the crap out of a boss battle we continued on to the castle. I got through most of the first part of the castle pretty well, we then arrived at the hall of water. I hate that room more than Hitler hated the Jews, no joke that is just one awful experience one after the other. After being gang-raped up that ass with shield ganados for the third time I rolled up my sleeves, hoisted the black flag and started blowing through my ammo faster than a 14 year old boy climaxes for the first time (I'm actually creeped out by my analogy but I'm just going to let it slide, also 13). Much of the game hereafter went well with a lot of swearing and almost ending with my controller in my TV, but I persevered and made it to the island.
Finally, after sever thousand f-bombs and a suspicious rash, I made it to the final leg of the game. So there I am with renewed optimism and a close to fully upgraded Bolt-Action rifle I mowed down all who stood in my path. I was doing pretty good until that first S&M fatty who runs faster than an African runs toward a bucket of fried chicken (I feel like that is in bad taste but I really don't care). I was bum rushed and raped by fatty with his hammer thing of doom, I feel like Dio would be proud of his hammer skills (I'm not sure where I was going with that joke, but there it is). After some more profanities I made it to the wrecking ball room here I died yet again because I had no shotgun ammo and I spent most of this sequence cowering in a corner throwing flashbangs until the wall had been destroyed. Then the game gets pretty boring after this part since all my weapons are now exclusive and just hand out the rape. I finally get to have my showdown with that asshat Osmund Saddler and I just don't even care I pull out my Killer 7 and give it to him where the sun don't shine over and over again until Ada throws down the special rocket launcher, I look at it briefly and laugh maniacally as I continue to put the hurt on Saddler with the Killer 7, when I finally get tired of blasting him and decide to pick up the launcher the pansy keels over, melts and dies. Roll credits, cue nostalgic feeling, and begin the obsession all over again.
All in all I had a very enjoyable time playing Resident Evil 4 again, although it could not capture the same feeling I had when I first played it, it was real goddamn close. This is a must have for any gamer especially if you never played it before, but if this isn't your first time to the rodeo well it's still worth the 20 bucks. For the record I died 15 times on this revisit and I died 69 times my first time ever.
hasta luego,
toodlekittens
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