Gold(middle)finger

There has only been one game I have ever failed to beat. Sure I have plenty of games that I have yet to beat but that isn't for lack of ability. The reason I haven't beaten many of the games in collection is either laziness, boredom and/or the unwillingness to end a magical journey (which will be a topic for another day). No this game is different I have not beaten it because I failed as a gamer. I have gotten as far as the last level on the hardest difficulty yet the end credits screen (remember when that was the ultimate reward for all your hard work, I do and miss them dearly) is still beyond my grasp.

As a gamer I have worked my way through Demon's Souls, blasted my way through nigh countless Call of Duties, survived several Fallout scenarios, went on Legend of Zelda adventures (two actually and I only enjoyed one of them), fought plaga and virus outbreaks in Resident Evil, and crossed many finish lines in Need for Speed, among many many others. However there is one game that haunts my dreams still. 007 The World Is Not Enough is simply the bane of my existence.

Here is a game that is comparatively easy to many other games I have played. Demon's Souls is by far the hardest game I have ever had the (dis)pleasure to ever play in my life. It's a ruthless, rewarding and deeply satisfying gaming experience. The story is threadbare at best but each victory, every conquered enemy is won by your skill as a gamer to adapt to each situation given to you by utilizing the tools you yourself have fashioned. By comparison to this monumental gaming sojourn, 007 The World Is Not Enough for the Nintendo 64 should have been a gentle stroll through an autumn touched park. It however refused to be conquered by yours truly time and time again.

I have played that game on and off over the years which usually ends with me selling it to a local store for petty cash as punishment for its need to make me feel like a fool each time I try to beat it. The reason I bring this 12 year old game (that makes me feel old) at all is because recently I decided to dust of the old N64 and take it for a spin; as I am want to do when I am feeling the pangs of nostalgia. So I plugged in my dusty relic and loaded up GoldenEye (I dare one more person to correct me on this, it's one word not Golden*SPACE*Eye) and proceed to get my ass handed to me. Do you remember the first game to introduce onscreen cross-hairs and iron sight? I sure as hell don't it was probably one of those WWII shooters that became exceedingly popular in the early days '00 but GoldenEye does not have either of those amenities. It was tough going for a bit but once I got the hang of it all it came back to me just like riding a bicycle so I promptly finished that on 00 Agent difficult in one sitting. Then the hunger came back, I needed another chance at redemption. I looked in vain for my copy of that cursed game and just as my frustration level was about to peak with the destruction of a third N64 controller (thank you Paper Mario) I remembered I had sold it.

I started looking online for a cheap copy of the game and I found several then I remember that I am the only person I know who actually likes that game. So I went to have a look at the shop I had sold it to years earlier and sure enough there it was in the display case, mocking me with it's insipid stares. It may not actually be the same copy I sold to them but I know that no one is in a hurry to buy that game, not unless they are some sort of obsessive James Bond fan or gamer. So I left it there it was only 8 bucks I know that I can come back for it at a later date.

Why toodlekittens, why are you so obsessed with a 12 year old game? What could it possibly have done to you, you may ask. I'll tell you what this douchebag-fest of a game did to me. This was the first game that I truly ever loved on the N64 some have The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (in my opinion; fuck that game) I had 007 The World Is Not Enough. I spent countless hours on that game perfecting my shooter skills that I would later go on to use on such classics as Resident Evil 4, Binary Domain, Red Dead Redemption. My love for those games all stems from my love of this N64 game.

I had given all that my body, heart, and soul could give to it. Instead of its gratitude and love back I was scorned and my love spurned. I had given up all the hours that I could possibly give it, I learned all the tips and tricks so that I could beat it for the first time on 00 Agent. I held this game in such high esteem that I hadn't even bothered to play it on the lower difficulties.  I had weathered all its trials and all its tribulations and finally found myself on the last level; Meltdown. If you are not familiar with the film or the game *MASSIVE SPOILER ALERT* follows: Renard the main bad guy has kidnapped the current Bond girl Dr. Christmas Jones and is about to cause a critical meltdown in the nuclear reactor of submarine and it is James' job to stop that from happening and kissing the girl while fireworks go up in the background. Yes, all of that sounds easy, all in a day's work for Mr. Bond. Surely I should not have any problem doing that. Oh my dear reader how wrong you are, after surviving and mowing down wave after wave of witless henchmen I had come to the resolution but every time I would get near to the big red button that makes a happy ending for the good guy and a terribly tragic ending for the bad guy I could not for the life of me find how to get to that GODDAMN button to press it. All it would take for me to accomplish my task that was bordering on sexual gratification was to press that button. But I would always run out of time before I got to it and I would fail every time. Every time.

Now I need to buy this game again and see if the 4 years since I have last attempted to rid myself of this albatross around my neck has been worth it. Perhaps this time I will find some respite from this cartridge that haunts my dreams.

You only live twice,
toodlekittens